(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!