I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
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Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)