15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down