@abbycohenwl

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

@abbycohenwl

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

@abbycohenwl

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

@abbycohenwl

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

@abbycohenwl

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

@abbycohenwl

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

@abbycohenwl

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

@abbycohenwl

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

@abbycohenwl

Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary