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Page of abbycohenwl's best tweets

@abbycohenwl : Exorcist: I'm here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn't call you

Demon: I did

@abbycohenwl: Bad Responses to "I love you":
- I'm sorry
- Lol good luck with that
- Who isn't?
- I know, mom
- Does that mean I can have your office
- You fool. You silly little fool
- Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary

@abbycohenwl: Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

@abbycohenwl: Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

@abbycohenwl: I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

@abbycohenwl: What if earth is just God's Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

@abbycohenwl: Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

@abbycohenwl: Waiter: Ma'am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

@abbycohenwl: My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami