Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Mystery: OR IS IT
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Climate Change: It’ll take 30 more years but I’ll destroy this planet
COVID-19: Lol OK boomer
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Friend: Check your privilege
Me: Yep. Still got it
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?