Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?