[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
LMAO.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.