Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
our love story in four pictures
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.