Funny Tweeter

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Page of abhorrent_wife's best tweets

@abhorrent_wife : I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".

@abhorrent_wife: There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.

@abhorrent_wife: I don't always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

@abhorrent_wife: I'm at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

@abhorrent_wife: All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

@abhorrent_wife: Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!"

Nailed it.

@abhorrent_wife: Hi, I'm Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as "No, YOUR face is stupid" and "I didn't trip you, you fell".