Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
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Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Investing in beetcoin
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.