me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Meanwhile in Portland…
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I love the National Park Service.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.