Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
You Might Also Like
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Pot warmers of the day.