I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
“I FIXED IT!”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.