Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
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one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.