My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
You Might Also Like
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.