My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries