Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
This hospital has everything
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My time has come.