Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Does it…does it take 3 days
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
CUTE CAT‼︎