it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails