🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The Assassin.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.