DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
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*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.