Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
They got Raph!
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.