[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔