[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
He wanted to make sure😂
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.