@adamhess1

Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes

@adamhess1

So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago

@adamhess1

The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me

@adamhess1

Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

@adamhess1

I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers

@adamhess1

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

@adamhess1

So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”