[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
What my back needs
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today