just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.