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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!