“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while