Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
reminder
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.