Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
What my back needs
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”