We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped