Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Brb my Sims are getting married
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.