“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore