I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.