Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
A roof is a house hat.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Hard not to take this personally
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it