Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward