When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car