My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
smh
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure