Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
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Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.