Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of agathagotstoned's best tweets

@agathagotstoned : What the humidity is doing to the squirrels’ tails today is simply unconscionable

@agathagotstoned: *cracks through tater tot’s thin exoskeleton to get to the delicious insides*

@agathagotstoned: You’ll find yourself handcuffed to a hospital gurney only so many times in your life. Don’t squander those times.

@agathagotstoned: Your forties are a magical time full of chronic tiredness and an inability to stop yourself from telling passengers what that building over there use to be when you’re driving through town

@agathagotstoned: (to the clerk working the counter at the feelings store)

“No, not that animosity. The top shelf animosity, please. It’s a special occasion.”

@agathagotstoned: A coffee table book, but it's just pictures of me being forcibly awakened by the employees of various mattress stores across the country.

@agathagotstoned: The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.

@agathagotstoned: What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren't those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?

@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.

@agathagotstoned: If you walk into a room that's empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you're probably about to be murdered.