It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“our sushi is very fresh”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.