I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
You Might Also Like
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
That was easy.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food