Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
this is how life feels
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.