Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”