SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.