I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
There’s only one good girl here!
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.