People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You’ll be OK
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
wut hotdog?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work