Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
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Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Real House Wines.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids