(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer