Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”