My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
🤣🤣🤣
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.