@aissalanis

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

@aissalanis

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

@aissalanis

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

@aissalanis

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

@aissalanis

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

@aissalanis

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

@aissalanis

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

@aissalanis

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

@aissalanis

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

@aissalanis

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*