*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*